The Blog Part of the site

Where I write down my thoughts when I wanna

~February 24th, 2024~

Wowee, it's my first blog entry. Cool ain't it?

I'll be writing down stuff from my life that I wanna share or remember since I find it hard to remember things if I don't write it down.

And as for today, it was pretty alright. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but it was nice.

Hopefully I'll get more work done on this site, plus life stuff. So see ya' for now!

~February 26th, 2024~

It's been about 2 days since I set up this website, but I'm amazed with the progress I've made with it. Sure I looked up alot of tutorials and resources to help me put in what I wanted, but still I'm happy with all that I've accomplished as a html beginner.

Also, I'm happy to have gotten my first entry in the Guestbook! Behold:

Thank you snake for being the first entry in the book, and tell Terry I said hi back! He has a big ol' section in my KOF Shrine, so look forward to that when that comes out.

~February 28th, 2024~

You ever get told that your family doesn't believe you're cognitive?

I had gone out shopping with a family member of mine and I played Pokemon Go on the way there, when there was free time, and on the way back home. They saw me play the game while we were going home, and just straight up called me childish looking. They then asked if I ever ponder about anything, and I answered "Yeah, of course I do! You think I don't?" to which they replied, "Yes, I don't think you do. You don't act like you do and you don't talk about it."

So basically I was told point blank that my own family member doesn't think I have any higher thoughts or think about anything at all because I don't tell them anything and I act "like a child" ie play "childish games" like Pokemon Go.

I'm just exhausted and sad from this. My own faimly believes I'm less functional than other people, makes me feel like a human sized goldfish in alot of ways. Disheartening overall.

This family member also signed me up for a "Friendship Speed-dating Event" later today because they claim I'm a "friendless hermit" due to me spending most of my time away from them and a majority of my friends are online friends - who they don't believe are friends anyway and are likely creeps that want to sex traffic me - so I'm gonna go to it to avoid any further trouble.

I'll update this entry when I come back from it and write what comes from it.

~~~

Not much. Meet a bunch of old ladies and not much else. I showed a good amount of them this site and a majority of them asked if I make money off of it or if it's my main job, which it isn't. They were kind but I didn't click with anyone. Guess I'll stay as a hermit.

~March 7th, 2024~

It's been a bit since I wrote any blogs. Let's fix that, I'm gonna tell you two big things that happened.

First, the KOF Shrine's finished... for the most part. I got it to a completed state and shared the link out. People really like it, especially the people I shouted out in the Community section. I'm so happy that everyone likes the page and everything went smoothly with it. I've been focusing on it for a long while and with it done I can go back to working on the Apple Pie Project (someday I'll get to it's page).

But truthfully, there is a bit more that could be done to it. First a font change since the one complaint I got was that the font strained people's eyes. I'm sorry that it hurt them, when I went font hunting I tried to find one that was clear to read and didn't cause strain, but it seems that wasn't the case. When I have the time I'll look for a more readable font for the entire website.

The second thing I didn't include is in relation to a little thing I mentioned briefly in the AU Comic thing - that at one point there would be a side story in an AU Furry world where everyone would be anthro animal versions of themselves. I want to explain what animal everyone would be in a little headshot graph but it's taking a very long time so I'll add it when I can.

So if all of that was the first big thing, what's the second?

Put simply, the stupidest, self-entitled and hypocritical video I've ever seen, made by my own little brother.

Let me introduce you all to my little brother, HAV0X (pronouned "have-ix" according to him). He's the tech head of the family with him learning about computers since he was a teen, and built both his and my PC. His tech skills are so proficient that he's been working in the local school district as a tech guy. Good for him that his skills are helping him be employeed.

But he isn't a saint, he's got stuff that I find... iffy to put it kindly. In short, he's a 4Chan-y "I'm better than X people" gun-lover (he has 2 airsoft guns, and 6 real guns), actively hates LGBTQ people (has openly said he believes they're pathetic sub-humans - RIP to me I guess - and wishes he could shoot up our local Pride Festival) and may or may not be alt-right in some ways (is in some Discord servers with swastikas and Pepe the Frog as their icons/tried to justify the genocide of Native Americans as a good thing on Thanksgiving).

Now with all of that out of the way, let me recap the contents of this video of his because I don't want him to get anymore views.

Brother joins official Kemono Friends Minecraft server that official VTubers use with other fans (he is a big KF fan, he's made multiple 3D printed props and models of them), one of the server rules is that you can't advertise anything or repost other people's art (Japanese law), proceeds to create a QR Code to his Self-Insert harem fanfiction and reposts another person's art via Minecraft tracing, gets scolded on both of these by server staff and other community members (all of which are Japanese, my brother's pretty much the only English member there), server eventually loses steam and not many people play in it (2 - 5 players at a time), decides that he should destroy lights and beds across the map with cheat engines, thus spawning monsters all over and not allowing people to spawn into the world, people try to figure out who did it and begin investigating en mass due to fears of Kemono Friends not wanting to branch out to fans again + risk people's entire careers and get them fired, he escalates by killing people's cats and creating a lag machine underneath the entire map that he activates only when the VTubers are online, server members and streamers escalate the investigation including patrolling the server and keeping an eye on my brother whenever he logs into the server for hours on end (10+ hours I think), people figure out that it's him, but the server moderation is so lax/nonexistent that nothing happens. My brother takes this as endorsement and escalates, destroys and griefs people's builds and inventory, specifically targeting people that where investigating him and a large build made by VTuber with a disability (motion sickness), after 9 months of griefing the server gets shut down due the vandalism from my brother.

Brother justifies it all with, "These people are addicted to this 'game'. They wanted control, recognition and respect that they ultimately don't have and never will have. I was in Minecraft anarchy servers and I wanted those things just like them. So to help them, I ruined everything to show them they have nothing and they're addicted", recognizes how he essentially caused the other members "addiction" because if he didn't grief the server they wouldn't have spent 10+ hours on the game BUT doesn't care because "they deserved the bullying, it helps them out in the end as a wake up call", tells everyone in the server's Discord that they're addicts and tries to probe into their private info for a "research paper" on video game addiction, ends with a montage of him destroying large builds around the server, burning people's chest inventories and killing people's pets.

I think this meme I made summs the whole thing up:

At the very least a ton of people are calling him out in the comments calling him a hypocrit and he was ruining everyone's time the server for no reason. He plans on making a follow-up to this inital one, so I hope that when he gets there he's learned his lesson. Not confident that he did, but I can hope.

March 31st, 2024

Happy Easter and Trans Visibility Day! This double holiday isn't gonna happen again until 2086, so I might as well note it down.

Of the two holidays, I prefer Trans Visibility Day over Easter. Not just because of me not being religious, but because of a childhood event that happened one Easter. It wasn't traumatic, but it was something. Lemme tell you about it:

It was years ago, when I was a little kid and my Grandma was alive. She absolutely loved holidays and brought everyone (on their side of the family/the white side) together to celebrate every major holiday from Valentines to Christmas (her favorite was Thanksgiving. She died on Thanksgiving day from brain cancer). So of course she went all out on Easter and a bunch of Aunts and Uncles came over to their house. And among them was a relative with this Shitzu dog in the frilliest, unwalkable dress named Sweet Baby (told you this was the white side). Because I was the only Autistic person there, they told me to stay outside on the balconey with Sweet Baby on the leash and a filled platic bowl of water, and asked me to keep an eye on them until they came back for Easter Egg Hunting.

The thing about Sweet Baby was that she HATED being around me. She kept pulling away from me, holding onto that leash hurt my hands, and she growled at me if I went towards her. So it was... something. Eventually, I noticed that she was panting and obviously wanted water, but the water bowl was literally out of reach. So in an attempt to help her out, I tried to get the bowl to her. It was agonizing, what with me being streched out by a dolled up throw pillow of hate and my will to help said dolled up throw pillow of hate. And eventually - after enough effort - I grabbed the bowl!

... while at the same time Sweet Baby yanked the leash out of my hand, bolted down the balconey, and into the wilderness.

Lemme reiterate what happened: A dog no bigger than most Amazon box with stubby legs and a tripping hazard surrounding it's entire body, ran full speed down a second floor balconey's steps with the grace of a trained acrobat, and disappeared into the wooded unknown in less than a minute.

At that point, I was convinced that if I didn't get Sweet Baby back I'd essentially be crucified, I chased that dog down (to the best of my ability) in the poofyiest dress and the most painful heels I ever wore into the woods and neighborhood looking for this pet that clearly hated being owned by my relative, ruining my clothes and day throughout the search.

By the time the sunset, I decided to finally give up and with tears in my eyes I made it back to my grandparents house, where everyone else was crying and in tears. They thought that I - the Autistic child - just decided to randomly run away (like how all Autistic children do, obviously) and were about to call the cops on me. I explained to them what happened and while my parents were relieved, everyone else was mad at me for ruining Easter for everyone.

If you're wondering about Sweet Baby, a nearby farmer caught her in a humane trap for oppossums and returned her to her owners so this story isn't entirely bitter, but it's one that makes me despise this holiday with all of my heart. So I am glad that I'm able to celebrate something better in it's place.

Happy Trans Visibility Day, you are vaild, you are loved, and even if you haven't come out yet, you deserve to live freely and truly as who you are!

April 7th, 2024

A couple days ago was pretty bad for me, and it's taken a while to gather my thoughts about it and I'd like to write it all down here before I forget.

It was the 2nd of April and I was working on my OG FG. I had finally gotten the idle done and decided to start working on the walking animation. I was making good progress on it when a family member came into my room and saw my work, and I was proud of what I've been able to do.

They brushed it off and they asked if I got any commissions and print art out for my "portfolio" (I don't want a career in art due to low pay, high levels of abuse, don't want to lose my passion/love of art to work) with a coupon they got to print out photos/pictures for free. Told them I have no commissions (nobody wants my art) and that I forgot the coupon (college work wrapping up and Project Apple Pie).

To which they replied telling me that they hated me. Absolutly pissed that I'm lazy, childish, and frivolous moocher wasting my, their and everyone's time by not making money off of my work (submitting my art to companies (Nintendo, SNK, Klei, Marvel their examples not mine), art galleries, auctions, and art contests. That I'm not hustling and grinding out to have a second income like their favorite artist David Mack.

And they told me that if I didn't hustle and "go hard" on making "easy" major profits off of my art, that I'll be left homeless and be abused, kidnapped and sold onto sex slavery to be raped. And they gave me a hypothetical ultimatum: either become a souless MLM-esque hustle girl or die.

And I told them, with full honesty, I would rather die and it was something that I plan on doing when the worst comes.

Let me explain: Back in December 2022 I had experienced the most amount of anxiety and fear in my life due to failing two college classes from overworking and not being able to complete them, and it began my suicidal depression. I've gotten treatment since then, but it hasn't been easy, especially since the one thing that triggers my anxiety and these horrible thoughts is failiure, believeing that I'm a failiure, and that I'm not able to live up to the expectations that people have of me. It invokes thoughts of the world being better without me existing so that my friends and family won't have to be burdened by the waste of space that I am. So I had promised myself that if I don't improve myself by becoming more physically social and working on personal projects (and working on this site and Apple Pie have really helped me mentally), then I'll kill myself by jumping in-front of a train to run me over.

And after explaining all of that to my family member, they told me that those reasons are not valid. That I don't have real problems to kill myself over like getting abused "for real" like they were in their childhood. They told me that if I killed myself, it'd be the most selfish thing I've ever do since it'd have to be handled by a number of law/death workers and family to work out my belongings and such.

They told me how much they loved me and how proud they are of my work; how they show off everything they make with everyone they know, tell them how amazing that their Autistic child is so talented and to pay and buy my work. I know they mean well and they love me, but from everything they said before then, it feels like they aren't taking my concerns, goals, and worries seriously and that I'm just willingly being sad and limiting myself on purpose. It just makes me feel more motivated to kill myself so that they don't have to worry about loving someone like me.

It's just disheartening to say the least. I'm doing what I can to fix my depression, to stop myself from commiting suicide, and yet everytime I'm happy with what I've done and show it to the people I love, they send me back down a depression vortex because I'm not improving the way they want me to or in a way I can't do.

As of writing this, the worst thoughts are gone for now, but given how I'm extremely bad with handling failiure and my college semester is about to end this week or so, it might come back with a horrible vengence.

My 2025 December plan is something that I'm still going to stick with. I want to give myself time to recover, think and experience life, and be with the people I love the most before I make the decision to end everything. And when it does come around and I've become a better person with joy and love in my heart, free from the fears that set me back, I'll be confident enough to stick around and be with everyone for a bit longer.

I'm sorry for all of this downer stuff, but this is my blog, I'll talk about the life I experience and if it's depressing what I'll write here will be depressing.

July 12th, 2024

It's been a while, hasn't it? And judging from the last blog post here, alot's happened so I'll try to keep it brief. First and foremost, Project Apple Pie's progress has been... something. Spent one month figuring out what engine to use, spent another figuring it out, and another simultaneously loving animating and hating programming. So with all of that experience in mind, as well as knowing my skill set and likes, I'm going to turn Project Apple Pie into a comic/webcomic. If I ever find someone or a team that'd want to help me with the Project (and I have enough money to properly compensate them) then I'd be 100% be on board to bring the FG goal back, but for now this is the new direction the project's heading towards. I hope you all understand.

Secondly, Pride Month was fun!!!! I tried to do a month long art challenge but got stopped due to family reasons, RIP. But other than that, I felt pretty happy all month; it felt like the world was more open and promising than before to people like me... and yet it also felt more closed off since my family's very anti-LGBTQ+ as I've stated before. Especially my brother who indirectly made me worry to the point of panic. You see, he's a gun nut and owns like 5 airsoft guns and 6 real guns, and althroughout June, he was tinkering with all of them to increase their firing rates to ridiculous degrees. Given how he gleefully talked about how he despised queer people of all kinds and how he wished he could go on a killing spree on all of them, I started to worry that he was about to turn that fantasy into a reality at our local Pride Frestival. Thankfully that didn't happen, and I'm kinda disappointed in myself that my fear overwhelmed me so much that I would distrust my own sibling.

Speaking of that, it was fantastic for me. I went with an old friend of mine together in fursuit - I have a partial fursuit of a brown cat named Maple Tea, and they had a partial of their deer fursona - and we had a great time. I didn't really feel exhausted in the 101 degree weather due to my expert preparation (4 thermoses of ice cold water and cold apples in a cooler backpack) and the plenty of breaks we took. Honestly the best part of the Pride Fest is the atmosphere of the whole place. It felt so... heaven on Earth. It's so hard to put into exact words, but like it was so happy and expressive, everyone was so excited and joyful, I saw people of all shapes and sizes in so many colors and fashions, people showing more skin than swimmers on the beach yet more free and human in this little bubble than they'd be out in society. I wish the rest of the world had the comfort and open jubilation that the fest had that one day.

And on that day, I chose to make a pretty big risk as well. Earlier in June, I stopped by a local sex shop and got myself breast tape, as well as a packer and packer briefs (in secret) for gender exploration. I've been trying them out by myself and I honestly feel so happy with them on, but never going out in fear of being outed and disowned by my family. Even though they weren't going to the festival, I took a risk and decided to wear the packer and tape out to the festival. I felt fine with it all at first, and after a while I began seeing AFAB people with their breasts out and about. It got me thinking and after asking my friend and getting their okay, I took the greatest risk and took off my shirt.

Let me tell you, that was the most life-changing moment of my life. Fear turned to a quiet "is this real?" to a dawning revalation of "oh my god, this is real, this is everything I've wanted, and it feels fantastic". I finally understood gender euphoria fully, a tingly and energetic joy all over, I felt like I was finally living in a body I wanted for the first time in my life. Not a weak and bleeding little woman, now I was myself - not a man and not a woman, but a human being.

And my shirtlessness probably helped with me beating the heat to say the least. Like I said, I was fursuiting with another friend and they constantly took their fursuit head on and off throughout the day, but I pretty much kept all of my suit parts on all day. It was the best time I had in hot tempurature, especially since I finally felt sunlight on my stomach (and it felt fantastic, thanks for asking).

So yeah, that's how it's been for a while. Hopefully things stay as happy as it was like the Pride Fest was, maybe I can try to find a local furry group that's open to gender-stuff. I wanna be myself more.

- And Now the Mausks -

Anywho, have fun if you can : D